relationships

A Beginner's Guide to Boundaries


Questions to consider asking yourself when learning to set boundaries.

Boundaries. Though this idea is not a new one for mental health professionals or those of us who have participated in counseling or therapy, setting healthy boundaries is one of those topics you may have heard of recently in the news or on social media. The word itself may sound harsh or punitive, but in fact boundaries are an important part of any healthy relationship and can allow you to prioritize your time, mental health, and emotional health. Learning to set boundaries at work, at home, and in your relationships can positively impact your self-esteem by allowing you to disengage from unhealthy patterns in a way that is respectful of the other party and your own values. By evaluating what it is you want to prioritize in different situations, you can learn where to set boundaries and how to respectfully enforce them.

areas TO CONSIDER SETTING BOUNDARIES

Boundaries in the workplace. One area of your life where you may want to consider setting boundaries is with your work. Western and particularly American culture are extremely work and task driven, and while this can certainly allow us to be successful in reaching goals, too often people find balancing work life and home life incredibly difficult. An example of setting a boundary at work might be to communicate with your employer or supervisor the hours you’ll be available and whether or not you’ll be responding to emails or other work related communication outside of your time in the workplace. For example, if you want your weekends to be solely for family time, but your supervisor sends emails over the weekend, you may need to set a boundary by communicating, “I understand that there are things that may come up outside of business hours, however, my unpaid weekend time is for my family. I will not be dealing with work issues during these times, and will instead respond when I return to the office on Monday mornings. Thank you for respecting this.” Notice that this boundary isn’t punitive. It places the responsibility for holding the boundary with you, not your employer. You’re planning to prioritize your time with your family because it is what you value. 

Boundaries in romantic relationships. This can be such a tricky area in which to set boundaries, but is also one of the most important. Whether a dating relationship or marriage, romantic relationships need the trust, respect, and safety that healthy boundaries create. One example of a boundary you may discuss with your spouse could be how you speak to one another in moments of conflict or argument. It could sound something like, “Because I feel emotionally triggered when I am yelled at, I will not engage in any conversation where there is yelling. If you yell during an argument, I will disengage until I know we can continue the conversation in a de-escalated way.” Again, this has more to do with what you will tolerate rather than controlling the behavior of the other person. You’re the one responsible for removing yourself from the situation rather than just telling them to stop yelling. 

Boundaries with family members. Just like with romantic relationships, boundaries within your family can be challenging. No one wants to feel that they’ve alienated someone they love by setting a boundary. But it’s also important to remember that boundaries don’t exist to harm the other person but rather to preserve your own priorities. Any number of areas with family can be something you set a boundary regarding - visits, time spent together, conversation topics, privacy, etc. One common boundary people set within families surrounds the types of conversations that you want to have or not have. You may, for example, not want to engage in political conversations with family members because, while you respect their differing view from yours, you feel it always escalates and causes tension. You might set a boundary from this by saying, “I can tell you feel really strongly about this topic, and I know it’s important to you. However, I won’t discuss it with you. Talking about this topic is not more valuable than our relationship, and I don’t want to cause tension between us.” You may also run into issues with family members and your children if you are a parent. Often parents set boundaries to protect their children’s mental health from situations that may arise with family members. Whether it is in regard to your parenting style, what your children wear, their eating habits, or their behavior, if you feel your child is being negatively impacted by the input of others, especially if it is unsolicited input, it is okay to set a boundary regarding this. 

THINGS TO CONSIDER WHEN SETTING A BOUNDARY

As we’ve mentioned, setting boundaries can seem tricky and even unnatural if you’re a people pleaser or used to setting your own wishes aside to make others comfortable. If you’re new to setting healthy boundaries for yourself, consider the following questions as you try to figure out the process:

  1. What goal or priority of mine does this boundary support?

  2. Am I setting this boundary to punish someone else or to protect myself?

  3. Can I hold this boundary in a healthy way while still respecting others?

  4. Am I willing to accept that holding this boundary could impact my relationship with others, even if that is not a reflection of myself?

Learning to set healthy boundaries can be a truly revolutionary practice in your life, as it ensures that relationships you keep support you and don’t impact you negatively. They are an empowering way to keep your priorities in alignment while still respecting others. If you need help learning more about boundaries or how to implement them into your life, click the link below to find which one of our Rockwall area counselors can help you learn about this important practice!


Written by Emily Taylor, Contributing Writer

Helping Teens Develop Healthy Relationships

As adults, we all remember our first boyfriend or girlfriend. Depending on how we define this type of romantic interaction, you may think about the boy who held your hand on the playground in fourth grade, or you may think of the girl you “went out with” in seventh grade, but…you never actually spoke to. For most of us, this first relationship was probably filled with a lot of “puppy love,” and we probably look back at how awkward we were, and cringe with utter embarrassment, I know I do. But the reality is, that if you have a kid between the ages of 11 and 18, they’re probably already thinking about “dating” or their classmates may be. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, the average age at which teens start dating is 12.5 for girls and 13.5 for boys. Dating and romantic relationships will happen, and it is a natural part of kids growing up and gaining more independence. So, as a parent, what are the things you need to know to keep your teen safe,  both physically and emotionally, as they enter a phase of life where they’re interacting with their peers romantically? 

HOW TO ENTER RELATIONSHIPS

Before your child starts dating, talk as a family about the rules and expectations.
Rules, restrictions, boundaries, expectations. Whatever verbiage you use as a family, it is important that before your child enters a romantic relationship, they know what you expect from them, and the consequences if they break these boundaries. For example, maybe you want there to always be an adult present when your teen is with their boyfriend or girlfriend. Make this expectation clear, and then be willing to be the adult present. Give your child the resources they need to be in a relationship within your boundaries. 

Model and openly discuss how they should be treated in a relationship as well as how they should treat the other person. This is such an easy yet important thing to do. It can be as simple as making a point of when your spouse treats you the way you want your child to be treated. Statements like, “I love that your dad knew I had a bad day and brought home flowers. He really understands that receiving gifts is my love language, and it made me feel so valued,” or, “Your mom is such a great listener. I’ve always valued that she really hears what I have to say and helps me work through things” shows your child what they should value in a partner and reinforces that strong relationships are built on trust and respect.

Work to get to know the person your child is interested in dating. Rather than the Hollywood-ized version of teen dating in which parents are cold or even unkind to their child’s boyfriend or girlfriend (though boyfriends seem to get the brunt of this fictitious rage) ask your child questions about the person they’re “talking to.” What are their interests? What is their family life like? What do they participate in at school? If you feel comfortable, invite them along for a family outing like to church or the movies. This can take away the secrecy that teen romances often operate in and it shows your child that they’re not bad kids for dating, so long as they respect the boundaries your family has in place. 

SAFETY IN RELATIONSHIPS

It may seem uncomfortable to talk with your pre-teen or teenager about physical safety in relationships, but the reality is that one in four adolescents report verbal, physical, emotional or sexual violence each year. Just as with adults, these incidents have long-lasting negative impacts. None of us want our children to go through this. It’s scary to think about, but know that you can empower your child to have safe, healthy relationships now and in the future.

Keep open communication with your child. By setting a strong foundation of communication between you and your child, you can make sure that any time they are uncomfortable, they know they can come to you without judgment or accusation. This may be the first and best step you can take to keeping your child safe in many situations, but especially in dating.

Help your child know how to communicate in a healthy relationship. By the time our children reach dating age, they should have seen, from us, how to talk to and interact with someone, even in conflict. Modeling this for kids at an early age can help them identify and disengage from unhealthy conflict when they see it in their own relationships. 

Know the warning signs of relational abuse. Again this isn’t something as parents that we ever want to think about, but it is so important to know what to look for as your child starts to have relationships with people outside of your family unit, whether these are friends or boyfriends and girlfriends. If your teen is withdrawn from their normal activities, is abandoning other friendships, keeping secrets, or becomes defensive about their romantic relationship, it may be time to have a conversation about the relationship. 

Seek professional help if needed. If your child has experienced a negative relationship in any way, it can be incredibly helpful to reach out to a counselor to help them process what they’ve gone through and learn how to have healthier relationships in the future. 

The dating world is so different today than it was even just ten years ago. The access young people have to smartphones, the internet, and a thousand different secrecy driven apps may make you feel like you’re fighting a losing battle when it comes to your teenager’s dating life. It doesn’t have to feel this way. Truly. Start early talking with your kids about dating relationships, respect, healthy communication, and boundaries, and you will be setting them up for a successful dating life that they feel comfortable talking with you about. If you feel you or your teen need help with any of these things, check out our link below to find a counselor that can give you and your kids tools for safe, healthy dating.


By Emily Taylor, Contributing Writer

Loving Someone in Crisis: A Guide for Partners, Parents, and Friends

It’s Valentine’s Day, readers! Here at Rockwall Counseling and Wellness, we LOVE celebrating love. Any time of year is the right time to tell those you love how you feel, but there’s just something extra special about Valentine’s Day. Maybe you’ve got a special date night at the romantic Bin 303 planned with your spouse or a brunch date to Standard Service with friends. Perhaps you have a tradition of making heart-shaped pancakes for your kids on Valentine’s Day or sending flowers to your mom. Whatever way you choose to celebrate today, it’s so important to show you care for those people in your life who mean the most to you. Big celebrations or small ones never go unnoticed! 


However, we also recognize that many of you may love and care for someone who is struggling today. Holidays and special occasions can be particularly difficult for those who are grieving a loss, people with anxiety and depression, or even those coming out of a difficult transition. So, how can you support those you love who are having a difficult time today? How can you be supportive, loving, and caring while also still getting to celebrate your love for the special people in your life? 

Be a good listener. The first and best way that you can support someone you love who is struggling mentally is to listen to them without judgment, without giving your input (unless they ask for it) and being willing to be present in the silence. If your spouse is struggling with anxious thoughts, try sitting with them and letting them process those thoughts out loud as this can be a huge help in not dwelling in that anxiety. Maybe your teenager has been dealing with difficult friendships at school; the support you give by listening to what they have to say can provide them with safety and security that only you can give as their parent. Keeping open communication is vital to any relationship, and it is especially important when the person you care for is working on their mental health.

Be flexible with your plans. Often those who are struggling with anxiety, grief, or depression, may suddenly not have the physical energy to get out of the house. Facing mental health battles is taxing physically as well, and though they may have agreed to go out to a fancy dinner earlier in the week, they may not be up for it when the time rolls around. Be willing to hear their needs and know that it is likely nothing you’ve done wrong that caused their change of mind. It is absolutely okay to feel disappointed if your partner changes plans last minute, but wait to express that frustration when they are not in crisis. Offer an alternative plan such as a date night at home with take out and a movie or another day for a night out that might be less stressful.

Be aware of emotional triggers. While the idea of “triggers” may seem overused by pop culture and trendy media, emotional triggers are very real events for people who have been through trauma. And while we are all responsible for our individual actions and reactions, part of loving and caring for someone is knowing what may cause them emotional distress and being cognizant of how different situations may affect them. For example, if you and your wife have experienced pregnancy loss, it may be emotionally triggering for one or both of you to hear about a couple announcing a healthy pregnancy. Talk with those you love when you know they’ve experienced a triggering event and ask how you can support them.

Offer physical support even if they don’t ask for it. One of the hardest things for someone to do when they are struggling with their mental health is to ask for help. It can feel overwhelming or even embarrassing to admit that we’re struggling and reach out to someone for help with things like doing the dishes or laundry or help with a meal. If you have a friend you know is working on their mental health, a great way to show you care for them is to simply show up. Bring a meal or coffee. Come and unload their dishwasher. Even if they say they don’t need this, by taking a physical task off their plate, you’re allowing them to have less to worry about and supporting their journey.

Find a balance between distraction and engagement. When caring for someone with depression, anxiety, or other mental health issues, it may be our first instinct to help them by distracting them from their problems with fun events, activities, or outings. This can be incredibly helpful, as often it boosts happy hormones, and allows life to feel normal even in a state of crisis. However, it is equally important to not allow those we love to be so distracted by “fun” that they ignore problems they should deal with. Make sure that you’re having a good mixture of fun, light-hearted moments and times when you check in on your people emotionally and really hear how they’re doing.

Be supportive of their therapy journey. One of the biggest barriers people face in beginning therapy for anxiety, depression, or grief is that they worry about what those they love might think of them. They don’t want to be seen as weak or incapable. In reality, starting a journey to better mental health is the opposite of that. It shows self-awareness and strength to face the difficult, messy parts of life. If someone you love has started going to therapy to work on their relationship, their anxiety, or any other aspect of their life, be supportive. Tell them you’re proud of them for stepping outside their comfort zone and working to be emotionally and mentally healthier. If they’re open to talking about what they’re learning in their counseling sessions, listen to them intently and ask purposeful questions. They will appreciate that you support their journey and want to know more. If they’re not yet seeing a counselor but want to do so, you can always help them find a best fit here!

Happy Valentine’s Day!


Written by Emily Taylor, Contributing Writer