relationships

A Silent Epidemic - Pornography Addiction

Part Two: Pornography And Its Effect On Relationships

Last week in the blog we took a difficult yet important look at how pornography consumption plays into mental health issues for individuals. Its addictive nature and negative impact on brain chemistry create a negative feedback loop that make pornography consumption dangerous, especially to those who already struggle with anxiety, depression, or other mental illness. 

But you may be thinking, “Is porn really that bad if I don’t struggle with addiction or mental health issues?” The short answer, is yes. Today, we’ll be taking a closer look at how pornography consumption and addiction affects relationships, and even though the porn industry would have you believe that watching pornography improves intimacy, the research shows this is simply not the case.

Pornography negatively impacts people’s sex lives.

Because pornography is so unrealistic, it creates unrealistic expectations of what sex and even one’s partner should look like. Young people whose only education about people’s bodies and sexual encounters comes from pornography are more likely to be dissatisfied with their actual sexual experiences because they’re not the curated, directed scenes they’ve come across in pornography. They’re unable to develop healthy ideas about sexual encounters and more likely to engage in risky sexual behaviors because they’ve seen these things portrayed. Porn can also skew people’s views about their partners’ bodies and create subliminal ideas about what our partners should look like and how they should perform. When reality doesn’t meet these false expectations, consumers turn back to pornography, feeding into the consumption loop. Finally, and maybe most surprisingly to some, pornography has actually been shown to have links to sexual dysfunction.

Pornography increases sexual objectification.

Pornography also disconnects the consumer from their arousal. Simply put, when watching pornography, a person does not have to connect emotionally, or at all, with the person causing them to be aroused or giving them sexual gratification. When consumed continually, as is the nature of porn, this leads to objectification, particularly of women. In pornography, women are often portrayed as objects to be used for sexual satisfaction. They’re not humans with needs, desires, emotions, or boundaries. They can be used however the creators see fit. Medical researchers have noted that as men viewed sexualized women repeatedly, the medical prefrontal cortex (mPFC) that allows our brain to distinguish human faces was not activated. Their brains did not even realize they were looking at a human, merely a collection of body parts. When women are seen this way, it has shown to lead to an increase in violent thoughts against women, men who are less likely to step in during an assault, and an increase in victim blaming in cases of sexual assault. These are just the effects of objectification on the consumer of pornography. Researchers have also seen that when someone’s partner routinely consumes porn, they internalize the sexual objectification. They’re more likely to feel their partner is using them as a warm body rather than connecting intimately. Further, research has also shown that women whose partners consume porn regularly are more likely to have body image issues, problems with low self-esteem, and develop eating disorders. Pornography shows “cultural ideals” of beauty. Typically very thin women with no blemishes, stretch marks, or just normal appearance. When this is the “beauty standard” one’s partner regularly sees, it’s damaging to the relationship and the individual on the other end. But this is not the only way that pornography consumption can hurt one’s partner. 

Pornography leads to secretive behavior and lack of communication.

Porn is everywhere, and yet it is also still taboo. This means that many consumers of pornography hide their use from their partners. While it is not uncommon for women to consume porn, research has shown that men are the main consumers, viewing porn weekly or even daily. Many times this consumption is hidden from their partners, and when it is discovered leads to feelings of betrayal, rejection, loneliness, and anger. Many women have described it as feeling they have been cheated on, and if the boundary was not set in the relationship, they feel they have “no leg to stand on” because their partner “didn’t actually cheat.” Even if pornography use is discussed within the relationship, it still causes the issues discussed above. Objectification, lack of connection, and unrealistic performance and beauty standards all have severe consequences within a relationship. If the porn one’s partner consumes has perpetually young, perfectly airbrushed, surgically enhanced people, it’s no wonder we feel like our partners are dissatisfied with us. These unrealistic expectations go both ways and effect men and women in relationships equally. 

Pornography is truly a silent epidemic in our world. We don’t talk about its damages because we don’t want to seem “prude” or “behind the times.” But the reality of pornography consumption is that it is damaging. Regardless of your religious beliefs or sexual history, pornography has negative impacts on relationships. If you’re interested in learning more and reading the specific research studies we gleaned this information from, head to fightthenewdrug.org to learn more about how pornography is impacting individuals, relationships, and our society at large.

If you, your partner, or someone else in your life is struggling with pornography consumption or addiction, we truly want to help without judgment or shame. You CAN build a healthy sex life outside of pornography, and you CAN break the addiction cycles that pornography creates. We would be honored to help you rebuild relationships and create healthy patterns outside of pornography. You can reach out to one of our therapists by clicking the link below. 


Written by Emily Taylor, Contributing Writer

A Beginner's Guide to Boundaries


Questions to consider asking yourself when learning to set boundaries.

Boundaries. Though this idea is not a new one for mental health professionals or those of us who have participated in counseling or therapy, setting healthy boundaries is one of those topics you may have heard of recently in the news or on social media. The word itself may sound harsh or punitive, but in fact boundaries are an important part of any healthy relationship and can allow you to prioritize your time, mental health, and emotional health. Learning to set boundaries at work, at home, and in your relationships can positively impact your self-esteem by allowing you to disengage from unhealthy patterns in a way that is respectful of the other party and your own values. By evaluating what it is you want to prioritize in different situations, you can learn where to set boundaries and how to respectfully enforce them.

areas TO CONSIDER SETTING BOUNDARIES

Boundaries in the workplace. One area of your life where you may want to consider setting boundaries is with your work. Western and particularly American culture are extremely work and task driven, and while this can certainly allow us to be successful in reaching goals, too often people find balancing work life and home life incredibly difficult. An example of setting a boundary at work might be to communicate with your employer or supervisor the hours you’ll be available and whether or not you’ll be responding to emails or other work related communication outside of your time in the workplace. For example, if you want your weekends to be solely for family time, but your supervisor sends emails over the weekend, you may need to set a boundary by communicating, “I understand that there are things that may come up outside of business hours, however, my unpaid weekend time is for my family. I will not be dealing with work issues during these times, and will instead respond when I return to the office on Monday mornings. Thank you for respecting this.” Notice that this boundary isn’t punitive. It places the responsibility for holding the boundary with you, not your employer. You’re planning to prioritize your time with your family because it is what you value. 

Boundaries in romantic relationships. This can be such a tricky area in which to set boundaries, but is also one of the most important. Whether a dating relationship or marriage, romantic relationships need the trust, respect, and safety that healthy boundaries create. One example of a boundary you may discuss with your spouse could be how you speak to one another in moments of conflict or argument. It could sound something like, “Because I feel emotionally triggered when I am yelled at, I will not engage in any conversation where there is yelling. If you yell during an argument, I will disengage until I know we can continue the conversation in a de-escalated way.” Again, this has more to do with what you will tolerate rather than controlling the behavior of the other person. You’re the one responsible for removing yourself from the situation rather than just telling them to stop yelling. 

Boundaries with family members. Just like with romantic relationships, boundaries within your family can be challenging. No one wants to feel that they’ve alienated someone they love by setting a boundary. But it’s also important to remember that boundaries don’t exist to harm the other person but rather to preserve your own priorities. Any number of areas with family can be something you set a boundary regarding - visits, time spent together, conversation topics, privacy, etc. One common boundary people set within families surrounds the types of conversations that you want to have or not have. You may, for example, not want to engage in political conversations with family members because, while you respect their differing view from yours, you feel it always escalates and causes tension. You might set a boundary from this by saying, “I can tell you feel really strongly about this topic, and I know it’s important to you. However, I won’t discuss it with you. Talking about this topic is not more valuable than our relationship, and I don’t want to cause tension between us.” You may also run into issues with family members and your children if you are a parent. Often parents set boundaries to protect their children’s mental health from situations that may arise with family members. Whether it is in regard to your parenting style, what your children wear, their eating habits, or their behavior, if you feel your child is being negatively impacted by the input of others, especially if it is unsolicited input, it is okay to set a boundary regarding this. 

THINGS TO CONSIDER WHEN SETTING A BOUNDARY

As we’ve mentioned, setting boundaries can seem tricky and even unnatural if you’re a people pleaser or used to setting your own wishes aside to make others comfortable. If you’re new to setting healthy boundaries for yourself, consider the following questions as you try to figure out the process:

  1. What goal or priority of mine does this boundary support?

  2. Am I setting this boundary to punish someone else or to protect myself?

  3. Can I hold this boundary in a healthy way while still respecting others?

  4. Am I willing to accept that holding this boundary could impact my relationship with others, even if that is not a reflection of myself?

Learning to set healthy boundaries can be a truly revolutionary practice in your life, as it ensures that relationships you keep support you and don’t impact you negatively. They are an empowering way to keep your priorities in alignment while still respecting others. If you need help learning more about boundaries or how to implement them into your life, click the link below to find which one of our Rockwall area counselors can help you learn about this important practice!


Written by Emily Taylor, Contributing Writer