Childhood experiences centered around a family dynamic, while different for each individual, shape us all. Some people had what some would call the “picture perfect” childhood where their parents stayed married and they lived in a loving, stable and supportive household. Others of us come from a “broken home” where our parents divorced due to constant fighting, infidelity, abuse or simply just growing apart. And then we have the people who experienced all kinds of abuse whether it was physical, verbal, or sexual abuse in their childhood whether it was from a family member, friend, significant other or a stranger. For people who went through trauma in their childhood, neglecting the damage this can cause may also impact future relationships, including their marriages.
I have counseled couples for a while now and a common observation is that when one or both spouses have experienced childhood trauma, they often think that this is not affecting them because it is in the past. However, what some don’t realize is that trauma is like an anchor that holds us down and can be heavy on us. When we don’t get counseling to process through the past trauma, then naturally our brains suppress those painful, traumatic memories. We may just go through the motions day after day while experiencing anxiety, depression, or anger. Then, when we get into relationships or enter into a marriage, that trauma is still right there. We can find ourselves triggered by certain things, and sadly, our significant others are the ones that are caught in the line of fire of our destructive behaviors.
I can personally say from my own life/marriage that unresolved childhood trauma truly does affect your marriage. I had significant childhood trauma, and my husband had that “picture perfect” childhood I was the person who went day by day avoiding my trauma and “faking it until I made it.” When we got married and started having children, my past trauma was like a spotlight on our marriage. I would lash out at him, have anxiety attacks, push him away, and distance myself to avoid conflict. My poor husband was so dumbfounded as to why I was acting the way I was. And, honestly, even thought I was in school at the time studying to be a counselor, I had my blinders on and did not want to see that my own trauma was affecting my marriage. The tipping point for me was after my third daughter was born. I was lashing out at everyone because I was so overwhelmed. Our oldest, who was only four at the time, crawled into my lap and said, “Mommy, why are you so mad all the time?” In that moment, it hit me hard. A huge fear of mine was being a “bad mother” after my own child hood experiences. I realized I needed to face my own trauma head on for the sake of my marriage, and the mental health of everyone in my family. My husband and I got into counseling, and I started counseling individually. it was the best thing we ever did!
You may be wondering what you could expect in this type of counseling or about the positive impact it could have on your marriage. Trauma informed marriage counseling will allow you and your partner to discover your own triggers, respect each others’ and work through conflicts that may arise because of unhealed childhood issues. In light of this, one common question I get from couples is, “What are triggers, and how do I know when I am triggered?” I always explain to couples that everyone’s triggers are different depending on their individual experiences, traumatic or not, and then use these examples to show what triggers may look like:
If you have gone through sexual abuse, then certain sexual actions with your spouse, talking about certain sex topics, or even seeing sex or rape scenes on television can be triggering.
If your spouse uses a specific tone with you like raising their voice in a fight, it can be triggering, especially if you come from a home where your parents fought constantly and yelled at one another.
If you’re watching a movie and there is a violent scene, it can be triggering if you have been physically abused or you witnessed physical abuse growing up.After a couple has identified some personal triggers that affect their marriage, I ask them to describe what typically happens when they are triggered. Many times they will respond by saying something like, “I get super anxious/worried” or, “I get angry and withdraw.” This then gives us an opportunity to discuss the four trauma responses that most people resort to when triggered.
Fight: anger, irritable, signs of aggression
Flight: anxiety, worry, scared
Freeze: sadness, shames, dissociates
Fawn: avoids conflict, has a hard time saying no, tends to people please.
You likely won’t experience the same trauma response every time you are triggered. It can be different depending on the circumstances, and you may even cycle through two, three, or even all of these responses. When working with a couple, I try to explain the importance of identifying their triggers and knowing when they are entering into a trauma response. This allows them to never project their raw emotions onto their spouse. Additionally, it is important to remember that if both spouses have unresolved trauma, they tend to trigger one another without even realizing they are doing so. Counseling can help couples work through these issues.
If you are engaged, in a resationship where you intend to get married or are already married and have experienced any type of trauma, I strongly suggest you seek individual and couples counseling to help you and your significant other understand your personal trauma. Things like this do not go away on their own. It’s never too late to deal with your trauma and allow your relationships to begin to heal. Everyone deserves happiness you just must want it for yourself.
Written by: Amy Comer LPC-Associate; Supervised by Perry Collins, LPC-S