The anecdotes are ones we’ve heard before. We may have witnessed it with a sibling or family member, or even ourselves. We’ve seen friends go through the struggle - wayward adult children. The grown up kid whose decisions aren’t keeping them safe, whose lifestyle has veered drastically from the way they were raised.
No one wants to think about the possibility of having a significant falling out with an adult child. It’s one thing, and it’s even expected, to have disagreements, difficult conversations, and tough stretches when your kids are young. But when children grow up, leave our homes, and become independent, their decisions are no longer ours to guide. Nevertheless, we still are their parents. We want what’s best for them. We want them to avoid harm. We want them to want and need our advice and input; it’s only natural. In reality, they may not need it, and they may not want it. Whatever the situation is that leads to a wayward adult child - money decisions, a relationship you feel is harmful, substance abuse, walking away from religion - there are important things for you the parent to keep in mind that will allow you to have peace and continue to seek a stable relationship with your adult child.
Your wayward child’s decisions are not your fault. While there may be many factors at play in your adult child’s world, some of which could come from childhood experiences, the choices they make are ultimately their own. If they are adults and have chosen to live out of your home, you cannot control the choices they make.
You can and should set boundaries for yourself. If a wayward child is treating you disrespectfully, you do not have to engage in that conversation. As hard as it may be, you can tell your child, “I will not participate in a conversation where I am called names. So, if you choose to do that, I will not be engaging in this discussion.” Remember, boundaries are set to protect yourself, not to punish others.
A person’s unkindness often speaks more to hurt they are experiencing than a desire to hurt someone else. If your child is lashing out at you, it’s likely not because of something specific you did, but, much like a tantrum in a young child, is actually about something much bigger. For example, if you have expressed disapproval of your adult child’s relationship, and they choose to speak in a hurtful way to you, your disapproval may be causing them insecurity.
Enabling someone is not loving. One of the hardest things parents of wayward children face is knowing when they cross the line from helping their child into enabling their child. Although this most often happens with parents whose children engage in substance abuse, it can also happen when adult children mismanage money or make other drastic, poor choices. We all want our children to be safe, but protecting them from the natural consequences of their adult decisions may only make matters worse in the long run. Knowing this balance is delicate, and it will look different for every family depending on the circumstances. A good question to ask yourself may be this, “Is the help I’m giving my wayward child causing other members of my family or myself to be in an unsafe situation or to lose something important?” If the answer is yes, you may want to consider if you’re helping or enabling.
You can love your child infinitely, and choose to disengage from dangerous behavior. As uncomfortable as it may be, if you have an adult child engaging in illegal or dangerous behavior, it is more loving to set a boundary and not be party to that activity.
When communicating with your wayward child, focus on your love for them rather than how their behavior or choices make you feel. At the end of the day, your wayward child is still the person you raised. You still love them. This is the basis for all your concern, all your worry, and all your pain. And it should be the focus of what you tell them. You don’t have to see eye-to-eye for your child to know that they are loved.
Even if your child is not interested in counseling, you can benefit from seeking outside help. While working with a counselor may be beneficial for your wayward child, they may not see things that way initially. However, you, your spouse, and other members of your family may benefit from seeing a counselor to talk through what is going on in your family. Having a wayward child is emotionally taxing and can even be traumatizing. By focusing on your own mental health and wellness, you can be better prepared to set those boundaries and to have difficult conversations with your child when they arise. If you are struggling with a parenting an adult child, or are interested in other counseling services, click the link below to find a counselor at one of our Rockwall or Heath locations today!
Written by Emily Taylor, Contributing Writer